The No-Tell Hotel, Jakarta

For short time stress release, the Expat Rockstar has found the perfect place downtown. More precisely, at the edge of town, on the outskirts of South Jakarta at Pondok Wisata, just a few hundred meters away from Lebak Bulus (Pondok Indah area).

Some have desperately sought this place for years and pass by without even noticing the place. From the outside, it doesn’t look like a hotel and therefore many people ignore it.

However, most taxi drivers know the way, especially the ones from Jalan Paletehan (expect a 15/20 minutes drive from Blok M at night to be around 50,000 Rupiah if you are good, or closer to 100,000 if you are drunk or a poor negotiator.

Each room at the Pondok Wisata hotel comes with its own private indoor parking so that no one can see who comes in or out and there’s no reception desk! Think of it as a drive-in where you pay up for a six to twelve hour stay. Hundred of beds are available and all rooms are equipped with huge mirrors on the wall that reflect private activities.

Thanks to the mirrors, you will enjoy a 360° view, just like a DVD that lets you watch multiple angles during play. If you wake up with a stiff neck the day after, you’ll know why.

For sure, this place seems a bit odd and worn. It’s a kind of an out of time place that was probably built in the late 70’s or 80’s, who knows. Nevertheless, it includes all modern facilities like air-conditioning, cable TV and a spacious bathroom.

The icing on the cake is the rooms are clean for the Losmen category (Losmen is a class of budget hotels in Indonesia). In the old days, they had a free channel playing blue movies all night long on the TV set for those who needed further inspiration. Rumor has it that some nights there are X-rated programs telecast…

For the best experience, you absolutely must come at night. As soon as your vehicle hurtles down the 10 meters long sloping entrance from the main road, what seems to be a door attendant wearing a yellow or sometimes orange jumpsuit suddenly appears from nowhere and scurries along the alley to your bungalow, showing the direction to the driver.

Then he lifts up the garage door and lets you park inside. Immediately thereafter, you will be asked pay 200,000 Rupiah (US$ 20). For this, you can enjoy the facilities for six hours. Be ready to bargain if you intend to stay longer or if you bring multiple guests.

The Expat Rockstar accompanied by more than one fan should expect to pay more. With an irrefutable sense of logic, the door attendant will try hard to get a little supplement and will argue that three people or more involves higher maintenance. Fair enough, room rate rises in proportion with the number of attendants.

Once you have jumped out of your car, following probably the most amazing and quickest hotel check-in of your life, you are now ready to enter the room. Your new friend wearing the flashy jumpsuit is ready to provide you with condoms, large bottles of cold Bintang beer, and whatever else you request as long as it’s on the menu. Fancy traditional fried rice after you give her your best? Here you go!

Assuming you came with your own car then you are in no trouble once you head back home or anywhere else. On the contrary, if you need to catch a taxi, things could get slightly more complicated. Just avoid standing by the road outside where you can be hit by a car.

Kindly ask the motel staff playing cards nearby the entrance to order you a Blue Bird taxi or ask them for the exact address of the place, so you can order the taxi yourself using your mobile phone. Welcome to the hotel Pondok Wisata - such a lovely place. There’s plenty of room at the hotel  Pondok Wisata - any time of the year.

Nils is a French journalist and Internet consultant based in Jakarta since 2001, he is happily enjoying rock star lifestyle along with married status… or at least trying to make it work smoothly…

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