One of my most memorable taxicab experiences occurred when one smiling fellow somehow got on the subject of his sex life with his wife. Seems she was unhappy with his performance and he was unable to determine what the problem was. In fact, she was so unhappy, he told me, that after having sex with him, she would slap him across the head.
“She’s always angry with me. I don’t know why. I think its fine but every time, she hits me. Then she doesn’t want to do it again for weeks.
When I asked what the problem was, it all boiled down to time–she didn’t get enough of him as he only last a few seconds.
“Well,” I said. How long do you nominally last?”
It was difficult, but I said this with the straightest face I could muster. It brought to mind my urologist telling me in his dry monotone voice, “Bend over, and believe me, I’m not going to like this anymore than you will.”
“It lasts a few seconds,” he continued.
This man was a likeable sort, mid-sixties, with grayish-black hair and a toothy grin. I felt for him–sort of, I actually felt bad for his wife, who probably had never been satisfied.
I explained what was going on in the most clinical manner possible, “Men need relief, right? Don’t you think your wife needs relief too?”
This captured his interest. He nodded his head, smiling. “Tell me more.
I had to remind him more than once to keep his eyes on the road.
“Take care of your wife. Do your best to make sure she’s happy when you finish, and she won’t slap you in the head. The last thing you want your woman to be unhappy about is your sex life.”
Many Thais, men and women, are extremely shy about sex. My driver obviously was not.
When we got to my destination, the old guy actually refused my fare. I had to force him to take it, and it took a few minutes before he finally relented. Over and over again, he gave thanks. “You number one!” He was so happy; he shook my hand to the point where I literally had to rip my hand from his.
It seemed like my advice made quite an impression on him. I hope that his marriage and his wife benefited from our conversation. I can only imagine what went on in their bedroom that night.
If he made his wife happy, I would have to charge him a consultation fee.
Regardless of the awkwardness of the conversation, the guy kept me laughing. Taxi drivers can be rude, they can take you the wrong way, or they may try to overcharge you. They talk too much; talk too little, too loudly, too softly…Generally, they can just be a pain in the ass. Sometimes though, you get to your destination and realize, riding in a taxi can actually be pleasurable.
The truth is, in most cases, taxi drivers are sometimes our punching bags, sometimes deservedly so, other times, not so.
Note - When I write about my experiences with taxicab drivers, keep in mind that I am 100% expat; I speak fluent Thai, and read and write the language as well. I also use taxis on a daily basis.
Nick Gatsby has lived in Bangkok for nearly ten years. He has done everything from teaching English to exporting Thai goods to his current love, photographing and writing about Southeast Asia.
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I call BS on the “I had to force him to take it, and it took a few minutes before he finally relented.” part - LOL
This is one instance where speaking the language was helpful. Every once in a while I’ll get a driver who screws up who refuses to take at least a portion of the money. This particular fellow probably figured I was in effect helping him get his wife off. Some guys would give anything for this…