Back home, spilling a bloke’s pint or insinuating that his football team are a bit rubbish isn’t the done thing. It gets people’s backs up and you better be ready to deal with the anger that follows. As a result, most people avoid doing these things.
Out here in Thailand, different lines have been drawn over the years, and it seems that pointing out some home truths to your fellow escapers of rain is liable to provoke a lot of hubris and the expulsion of the blunt missive which forms the title of this piece.
Ya see, though Thailand undeniably has less precipitation than Salford and the local lasses are far less likely to sing along enthusiastically to Shania Twain, it also has deeply flawed aspects which are more than capable of, well, killing you.
But if you raise any concerns or attempt to voice your fears (road safety, plane safety, nightclub safety…safety in general really, draconian laws, two-tier pricing, broken contracts, late pay, corrupt and therefore useless police, the indoctrination of children, lack of protection for women etc) be prepared to hear some obtuse horse-s**t pour out of the rabble about how it’s just the same back home.
Your questions will be fielded by people so desperate to keep their bubbles intact, so horrified at the thought of returning to the dull town that spawned them and so hopelessly besotted with the notion of 200 baht taking care of the coppers that they will attempt to explain away the most heinous occurrences.
In my time here, I’ve had farangs swear blind that they’ve never witnessed a road accident or been on the end of monumentally incompetent service. I’ve heard them come out with gems like, ‘England is just as corrupt, but it’s institutionalised there.’
In an attempt to mock you, they’ll employ analogies so limp that they make a male, Thai-dance teacher look tough:
‘Imagine a Chinaman in England, yeah, going on and on about how terrible everything is. He can’t speak the language fluently but he reckons he knows one or two things that the locals don’t. What would you think about him? I’d think he was a complete wanker.’
This is the kind of poorly thought out prole-speak which sits side by side with classics like, ‘Black people can harp on about black power and their struggle, but if a white person were to talk about white power they’d be strung up!’
Where to begin with that one? Let’s see if we can settle it with one word, shall we?
Slavery.
The thing is, there are actual ways of measuring how good a country is. You input factors like press freedom, life expectancy, infant mortality, green spaces, road deaths, gun crime and obesity levels into a big computer, and out pops some interesting factoids…
-Babies born in Saudi Arabia, Oman, Jamaica and Ukraine have a better chance of survival than Thai babies.
-People live longer in Peru, Sri Lanka, Bulgaria, Vietnam, and Nicaragua than they do in Thailand.
-Moldova and Kazakhstan (it’s nice!) are more livable, and when it comes to road deaths, only Malaysia can outdo Thailand.
Or to put it another way:
Cambodia, Vietnam, Turkey, Pakistan, Lao, India and China have safer roads.
The ease at which one can obtain a BJ for peanuts strangely isn’t one of the factors.
In the dim minds of many that reside here, the fact that the sun shines a lot and they can get their penis vigorously manipulated for the price of a pair of socks is reason enough to claim that Thailand is ‘doing quite well, all things considered.’
Be prepared to put up with the flippant, moronic chorus of ‘pack up and piss off’ should you ever wish to start lamenting Thailand’s shortcomings. Don’t be surprised when a deafening silence greets an announcement that your girlfriend is currently awaiting surgery or that you haven’t finished your M.A yet.
Be warned that attempting to rock the boat will lead to the adult equivalent of them covering their ears and yelling ‘I can’t hear you!’
Of course, if you’re an easily pleased twot who considers Ferrero Rocher sophisticated and thinks that the bum gun is right up there with the wheel for sheer genius, then you’ll probably wonder what I’m moaning about and fackin’ love it out here in “Thighland”! Wahey!
Bill is an English chap and has been living and teaching in East Asia for 5 years. He used to like people but now finds them rather tedious.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been interested in traveling to Colombia for a while now and, of course, they have all sorts of problems there that a lot of gringos will overlook because of a few benefits (young, hot, abundant, willing pussy being the main one, just like in Thailand), so I think my reaction would be to acknowledge what you’re saying (I’ve no doubt that it’s true) but to also honestly state how I really feel about the downsides to these countries: “I don’t give a shit.”
I can stand bitchy ass Expats
You can? What a tolerant little sausage you are.
Fucking brilliant! Bill Morris is destined for great things. Oh and well done Mike for so eloquently proving Bill’s closing statement.
What I meant to say was:
“I CAN’T stand bitchy ass expats”
You children annoy the fuck out of me, get a better job and make some real money and you wont cry so much. Stupid English teachers
Editors Note:
Shaman’s comment was in the spam box, I just de-spammed it so it is now just showing up
Mike: Be cool dude, everyone has an opinion, no need to hurl nastiness
It’s okay to bitch in the privacy of your own home or amongst friends but when it becomes habit, you need to ask what the fuck you’re doing in the country if it’s so bad.
I’ve said it many times before…there is no Utopia. If you’ve got a reasonable amount of dough, you can live quite well in Thailand and it’s one of a few places on the planet that I truly enjoy the majority of the time. If you don’t enjoy it then it’s time to ask whether you’d prefer living back home.
Personally, I’m not about to pack up and split, at least not at this juncture.
What a refreshingly articulate piece. A beautifully written, intelligent and carefully observed article. Are you a professional writer?
Mr. Morris this is a damn good article and Im sorry it took so long for me to say it.
I agree, very articulate. Also agree, the country I live in has a shit-pot full of problems. Finally, Shaman said it first and best “I don’t give a shit”.
I’m in it for the long haul because, as opposed to the Stalinist-lite country I just left, I’m left very much alone by the authorities (and everyone else, for that matter) where I currently reside. The lost (ignored? violated?) concept of privacy is very much alive and well, here. The Mommy, State idea of all pervading control of every aspect of a citizen’s life hasn’t caught on yet, either. If and when it does, I’m outta here, too.
What I’m trying to impart here, is that I (and most ex-pats I am associated with here) am past the wanton-wick-dipping phase, have settled in with a good woman and am trying to fade into the back country and want only to be left the f**k alone. Works for me.
As I like to say, “I live in my own self-enclosed bubble.”
RiverRat you hit the nail on the head…people don’t fuck with you unless you fuck with them. Nobody gives a shit what you do for a living, other than perhaps during the occasional idle chit chat.
Very interesting article, I salute you Mr. Morris.
I am aware that this website is aimed at male expats, I only wish there were one for females such as myself. Being on the recieving end of some of the crazy stories male expats come out with on a day to day basis I can only conclude that most western men use Thailand as their own personal playland with no interest in the county, it’s culture, it’s poverty, it’s cruelty and it’s injustice.
I too am just as bad to an extent, I do live in my own little bubble out here, I have a great life and tend not to focus on the bad around me. I will try harder to notice the reality as a result of your piece, thank you.
Anna,
No disrespect intended, but after you “notice the reality”, then what? I’ve “noticed the reality” around me for 10years. I do what little I can in the direction of “alleviating the reality” but in the end, the best solution I’ve found is to put ‘em to work, it preserves dignity, negates begging and benefits all in the long run. Good luck.
Rat
Well said Mr. Morris. The ‘head in the sand’ mentally prevails amongst Thais and the expats staying here in Thailand more than any other country I’ve lived in. I continue to stay as at least the social problems pale in comparison to the UKs where it’s the local sport to start a fight with a total stranger on a Friday night and a good way to get an insurance payout is to break into someones house and cut yourself in their kitchen! Thais in particular will not tolerate criticism of them, their King or country and if they took on board some values like: thinking for yourself; going to school; listening to advice on how to improve aspects of Thailand etc etc etc they might rid themselves of their social problems. Getting a 10 quid bunk up is great for a laugh until you visit the homes of the girls who oblige and realise why they “have” to. Until then, if I don’t like it here I will indeed go home and if people don’t like your article-you haven’t been here long enough! Thailand-it’s all smoke and mirrors. Welcome!
Actually the stuff about what would you think about a Chinaman sounding off about the UK was said by me on another site but you’ve taken it completely out of context here. It was in response to your incessant referrals to a certain book, written by an Australian journalist, as if it was the bible on Thai culture. What I was actually suggesting was that one should at least make an effort to learn the language before trying to come off as the resident expert on Thai culture.
Prole-speak? What a wanker! Anyway, at least you get paid for writing crap on here.
Meh, having been an expat pretty much most of my life, the one thing I walked away with is that there no such thing as the perfect place to live. Any place you choose to be has some kind of trade off that you have to contend with. The only sane thing to do is just to make the best of it. For some, that means absorbing the culture as much as possible in every conceivable way. For others, the seedier side of life will do.
Each have their own strokes really. Say what you will about the morality or ethics of exploitation or whatever rhetoric you might want to take on, but the existence of such is merely an inevitable slice of life that will exist, regardless of your stance on it. It’s actually a pretty natural part of the whole economic disparity thing.
Making big fuss about it really won’t make it go away.
So what is the point of this article?
You’re saying that people who choose to live here, like myself, should mull over all the issues and shortcomings of Thai society and politics which they have no way of changing? To what end? I moved here because I like it. There is no perfect place, you simply choose which annoyances you’re willing to accept and move on.
Your point that you can determine the quality of life one can expect in a country based on overly broad statistics is misguided. Infant mortality doesn’t matter to me as I’m not anywhere near having children and when I do, I can afford good medical care. Road deaths don’t apply much since I walk or use BTS 80% of the time. Average lifespan is far to generalized due to factoring in the huge majority of poor people who can’t afford healthcare, which I can. On and on…
What I can quantify is that, for a third of what I’d spend back in the US, I can live in a nice house/condo, take trips to wonderful beaches, enjoy year round warm weather, afford a personal assistant to take care of all my errands and have access to a much wider range of entertainment, nigh life and dining venues.
Sure, there are lots of things that annoy me about living here but there is no shortage of annoyances in any of the other dozen countries I’ve been to. So, yeah, if you don’t like it, go somewhere else.