January 2009

Back home, spilling a bloke’s pint or insinuating that his football team are a bit rubbish isn’t the done thing. It gets people’s backs up and you better be ready to deal with the anger that follows. As a result, most people avoid doing these things.

Out here in Thailand, different lines have been drawn over the years, and it seems that pointing out some home truths to your fellow escapers of rain is liable to provoke a lot of hubris and the expulsion of the blunt missive which forms the title of this piece.

Ya see, though Thailand undeniably has less precipitation than Salford and the local lasses are far less likely to sing along enthusiastically to Shania Twain, it also has deeply flawed aspects which are more than capable of, well, killing you.

But if you raise any concerns or attempt to voice your fears (road safety, plane safety, nightclub safety…safety in general really, draconian laws, two-tier pricing, broken contracts, late pay, corrupt and therefore useless police, the indoctrination of children, lack of protection for women etc) be prepared to hear some obtuse horse-s**t pour out of the rabble about how it’s just the same back home.

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The Melawai Hotel, is a run-down cheap hotel on the edges of Blok M. A few years ago it was known for its busy and popular disco but now it is a convenient place to take girls for the night who have been picked up in My Bar or Top Gun on the Blok. The room rates are reasonable and the staff are discreet, although don’t expect luxury.

However, within its walls is the real reason why this place has got a glowing reputation from those expats who have been here a while. The 5 + 1 bar as it is affectionately called or the sixth floor of the hotel is what gives it its legendary status.

There is no sign or poster proclaiming its existence, but if you take the elevator to the top floor of the Melawai you will be confronted with a tatty bar surrounded by sofas. On the sofas will be a number of girls of all shapes and sizes and ages.

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Ok, so I’m a big movie buff. When I was in Jersey I had the good fortune of living 5 minutes away from a theater with 10 screens. More or less I would try to see about a movie a week. Sometimes it be 3 movies a week and sometimes it would be 0 depending on what was out for the week. The point is that I really love a good movie and watching it in a theater makes it 10 times better for me.

So one of the things I had to know was: what is it like watching movies in Southeast Asia??? Well, my first experience with this was Ironman at a “normal” theater in Bandung, Indonesia. I was there with a little sweetie who would later turn into the New Years Eve Stalker (I’m still a little creeped out by the “gift” she sent to my hotel room).

Right off the bat you notice something that makes total sense and makes absolutely no sense that American movie theaters haven’t adopted: when you buy a ticket you’re actually buying a seat. At the register there is a screen which shows you all the open seats and you pick where you want to sit. How ingeniously simple is that??? No more getting to the theater, buying a ticket and sitting in the nosebleeds or sitting so close to the screen you have to continually pan left and right. Oh and the tickets were only like 3 bucks.

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We have decided to take it upon ourselves and point out the bloody obvious to future wannabe western Romeos, who come to the Land of Smiles in search of their Thai soul mates.

We can only lead the horse to the water, we can’t make it DRINK! So pay attention you budding stallions and head the read!

1. Girls that work in bars are doing a job

It’s called Selling Tail! You take them out of a bar for fun and pay them. It’s a simple business transaction.

2.” But my girlfriends not a whore she sells som tam (Papaya Salad) she’s a good girl!”

Your girl is also a poor girl with bugger all education. She might not work in the bars, but she certainly will require the contents of your wallet and at a later date your bank account too! She may even be under pressure from her upcountry parents to send them a wedge back each month. And guess where the moneys coming from?

3. My bargirl girlfriend has only worked the bar for a few days/weeks!

That’s usually BS and if she can string a sentence together in English be suspicious, VERY SUSPICIOUS!

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I’ve been putting this phone review off for a bit just cause I wanted to get some time in using it. I’ve traveled a bit now since getting it so I was able to use it in a few countries and feel that this review can be put out.

Right off the bat you have to love just the look of the phone. The QWERTY keyboard is under a good size screen all encased in solid steal. This phone says “High end” right when you look at it and once you get it into your hand you feel something that I had never felt with a cell phone……..build quality!!! This thing is the meeting the design team had when they were planning the E71.

“Ok guys now this is what I want you to do. I want you to build me an M1 Abrams…………….but it has to make phone calls get email and fit into your pocket and oh yeah it can’t kill people”
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Whether you are visiting or living in Thailand, Lumpini Stadium is a place that everyone needs to attend at least once. The stadium is a true domain of gladiators, and the site of countless battles between some of the best boxers and Muay Thai fighters in the world.

Much like the Roman Coliseum, Bangkok’s Lumpini Stadium is filled with ghosts of the past. The spirits of gloved warriors who fought for fame and fortune prowl the dimly lit arena with authority day in and day out. Only Rajdamnern Stadium, also in Bangkok, rivals the prestige of holding the title of Muay Thai Champion of Lumpini Stadium and simply fighting in Lumpini is an honor in itself.

Fighters and fans pass through the stadium doors for what is but a brief glimpse of those boxers deemed worthy of admittance. Inside and out, enthusiasts nourish the old stadium - its combatants feed off the roar of the four-thousand strong crowds, perpetually charged with electricity.

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Jakarta is surprisingly cosmopolitan. However, many expats don’t see this side or choose to explore it. Often they go to the same bars and hang-out with the same people they would back home. I would never accuse my fellow expat rockstars of doing this though, as I know they are always wiling to sample new things and try new experiences.

For those who want something different on their nights out in Jakarta, then I suggest you try the Arab nightclubs – Delilah and Tiga Kuda.

Delilah on Gatot Subroto is a huge club situated near the Planet Hollywood restaurant and consists of two floors, pool tables, a big dance floor and a stage. The music, as you’d expect, is mainly middle eastern dance tunes with the live band playing Arabic music. This in itself is a cultural experience as you watch how the men and women shake their thing to the music.

However, I suspect that most frequenters of this site are not going to bars for the music and ambience alone. When an expat rockstar has a night out, women are usually an essential part of the evening’s entertainment.

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